I've figured it out. The complete toddler's guide to waking up. Please feel free to comment if I've left something out, but this is how it usually goes in my house.
1. Wake up at an ungodly hour. Anytime between 2-5 in the morning.
2. Get out of bed, preferably with a loud thud. Even if you aren't hurt, scream.
3. Go in to mom and dad's room. Swing the door wide open so it slams.
4. Grab mom's robe. Shove it in her face.
5. Yell "MOM!"
6. If she fails to wake up, grab her glasses (by the glass so you get a bunch of tiny fingerprints on them) off of the nightstand and shove them in her face near the robe.
7. Yell "MOM!"
8. If she still fails to wake up, shove the robe closer to her face to block her breathing.
9. Yell "MOM!" Again.
10. Repeat steps 8-9 until she wakes up.